[RL for Randolph]

[chapter_behind]

[Ordinarily, if James knew Randolph was coming over, he'd make an effort to tidy things, set everything out perfectly. But tonight, he was barely holding onto his composure. He settles into one of the chairs in his cabin, holding a glass of whiskey. He hasn't taken a sip since he'd poured it. It was almost as if he's forgotten he had it. He's just waiting. Randolph said he would come -- And James just doesn't know how he feels about that. He wants to see Randolph. Wants to see him desperately, in fact. They haven't been in a room together since before it all ended. But he's terribly afraid that the moment he sees Randolph again, when he's able to touch and smell him, he'll forget himself. And it will all start over again.]

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[cravats]

[Randolph would never allow his clothing to be less than perfect, but there are a few creases in his waistcoat that he does not quite have the wherewithal to banish. He's too worked up, though it would take an expert to see it.

He arrives on the ship and knocks on James's cabin door, adjusting his cravat as he waits.]

[chapter_behind]

[Somehow, James manages to stand up and get it open. It's very hard not to just reach out and grab him -- but if he did, he can't be sure whether he'd hold him or shake him. So he keeps his hands at his side.]

Randolph.

[Somehow, despite the emotions turning within him, his voice stays perfectly flat.]

[cravats]

[Randolph smiles tentatively, shakily.]

James. May I come in?

[The flatness of James's voice doesn't bode well, but he hopes- he has to hope. It will be all right.]

[chapter_behind]

Yes, of course.

[James returns to his seat, reaching for his glass again. He sees the wrinkles in Randolph's waistcoat and he knows his ex-lover much too well to miss the significance. He's upsetting Randolph, and he wants to hold him, make it better. But he's hurt, too. And he's terrified. This is his way of protecting himself.]

[cravats]

[He steps inside and closes the door behind him, taking a deep breath. Then he goes to his knees in front of James, looking up at him imploringly.]

I know I don't deserve your forgiveness. You have every right to hate me for how I've hurt you.

[chapter_behind]

Damnit, Randolph, don't --

[He catches his breath, watching Randolph settle in front of him. He didn't bring the man here to grovel.]

I don't hate you. I couldn't.

[cravats]

[Groveling is a time-honoured tactic. And Randolph feels he should, just a little.]

It's more than I deserve.

[chapter_behind]

[James closes his eyes, looking down.]

Please stop. Randolph, stop.

[cravats]

[Randolph rises, taking a seat nearby and leaning forward anxiously.]

Is there anything I can do?

[chapter_behind]

[James closes his eyes, unable to bear the sight of him so earnest.]

When you left, it was -- awful. The only thing that made it bearable was that I believed that somewhere, you were looking as desperately hard for me as I was for you. [He laughs softly.] And then you came back and you just didn't want me anymore.

[cravats]

I lived without you for two years and it hurt. I couldn't stand the thought of losing you again so I pushed you away. I was wrong to do so, it hurt more than not having you. And I am sorry.

[chapter_behind]

I know.

[He does, too. He knows exactly how much it hurt, and he knows why Randolph fought him so hard.]

I am, too.

[cravats]

Is it possible for us to try again?

[He wants to, but... perhaps James isn't ready. Perhaps they should wait.]

[chapter_behind]

I don't know.

[James stares into his glass, his knuckles turning white the harder he holds it.]

I've been waiting for you to ask for months, and now I don't know. I'm afraid that if I say yes, you'll go away again.

[cravats]

You- you have every right to doubt me. But I swear I will not, I swear that I will remain yours now. Forever.

[chapter_behind]

Randolph...

[James closes his eyes and swallows had, putting the glass down carefully.]

This was a mistake. I was right, I can't -- when you're here, it's very hard to think.

[cravats]

[He stands.]

I'll go. Please take as much time to think as you want.

[chapter_behind]

Stay.

[His voice is barely loud enough to be heard over the wind outside, but he trusts Randolph will hear him.]

[cravats]

It hurts you.

[But he doesn't move, looking over at James with concern.]

[chapter_behind]

You're right. It hurts more to be apart.

[James actually looks at him for the first time, just for a moment, but he does make eye contact.]

[cravats]

[That's all the encouragement he needs to come back over, taking James's hand.]

When you said you were only going to live for a century... I was upset. And I realized that I still hated the idea of losing you.

[chapter_behind]

I came back to be with you. It doesn't seem worth it to stay if you didn't want me here.

[His fingers curl around Randolph's, his breath evening out to match Randolph's.]

[cravats]

I want you here. I want you desperately.

[Now seems like a good time to prove just how desperately. By sliding into James's lap and kissing him.]

[chapter_behind]

[He feels exactly like James remembers, and he fits into James's arms exactly right. James closes his eyes, returning the kiss almost tentatively and clutching Randolph's waistcoat. He'll wrinkle it more, but maybe he can keep Randolph close.]

[cravats]

[To hell with the waistcoat, there's kissing happening. Randolph is being very enthusiastic about it, fingers clutching James's coat and wrinkling it just as badly.]